Finding God in the void

It is not uncommon to find people with very sensitive consciences and who seem to have a certain attraction, even aptitude, for the contemplative path, but who cannot come to terms with things that have happened in their past. Not only can they not accept divine forgiveness, they cannot forgive themselves. Consequently their self-esteem is too low to accept the fact that failure is part of the search for God. As Eckhart says of all the saints and sages down through history, “We rarely find people who achieve great things without first going astray.” But such wisdom is little comfort to these individuals. This preoccupation with sin can become a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder (in former times this was called scrupulosity), which increases the likelihood of sliding back into the same old problems. According to the author of The Cloud, if you are constantly obsessing on what you’ve done and frightened that it might happen again, it is more likely to happen again, than if you could simply come to terms with it and move on. In a similar context Meister Eckhart distinguishes two types of repentance. He says that there is a kind of repentance that “draws us downwards into yet greater suffering, plunging us into such distress that it is as if we were already in a state of despair. And so repentance can find no way out of suffering. Nothing comes of this.” Eckhart contrasts this kind of repentance with the repentance “which is of God” and says that it “brings spiritual joy that lifts the soul out of her suffering and distress and binds her to God.” It becomes a question of dealing with afflictive thoughts in the right way.

This was the key to Mary Magdalene’s success; she was able to break the cycle of obsessive thinking. How did she do this? He says “she hung her love and her longing desire on this cloud of unknowing.” By this he means she simply returned to her prayer word rather than to her obsessive thinking. In doing this she discovered perfect humility.

Martin Laird, Into the Silent Land: The Practice of Contemplation

The furnace of love

I’ve been wanting to make the world a better place since I was 11 or something, but as I’ve grown into my life and its destined experiences I’ve come to learn that I don’t know what will make the world a better place. I don’t know the long term implications of my ideas. There are so many variables that need to be taken into consideration for an optimal outcome which is basically one that’s balanced. So instead of focusing on creating ideas I’ve spent the last two years creating an inner space that is highly tolerant of uncertainty and the presence of polarities.

This has always then led me to transcend into someone capable of not only holding space for the complex global problems ( so-called wicked problems) but digest them to understand the root cause in a layman’s term. Because I’m not an academic nor have I studied any of the accomplished thinkers in history. I’m just someone who came into a messy world with a sensitive system and I discovered that keeping my head down and just focusing on surviving was worse than death to me. I have an image in my soul of how things could be, an imprint I carried with me into this life and it won’t let me rest until I see it through. It’s my cross to bear in this life and I simply don’t have a choice. The suffering I’ve endured is largely because of what I see and perceive and how it clashes fundamentally with how the world is set up today. So I guess the system has an inbuilt detection of anomalies like me and is built to destroy and eliminate me, much like how a body attacks and rejects a new organ.

And I accept that the trauma is the price I pay to gain access to the information I do, and I’ve always been given a chance to opt out. Before every major shift there’s this intuitive crossroads I come to where I’m given permission to not go further. And I always choose to because pain aside, healing and fixing things is what makes life worth living for me. Not accolades, not materialism, but the dynamism of bringing and grounding new energies and life on earth and seeing people whose pain I empathize with, finding relief. That’s my motivation.

Simplicity holds no capacity for illusions and lies

Some people need a perpetual cause to keep fighting for to mask their resistance to life itself. They don’t want resolution, ever. They want revenge. For what’s gone and what will be. Forgiveness is a fatal mistake in their books. Healing is defeat. They are at war with the divine decree itself. They want to undo their humanity so that they never ever have to feel the imbalance of polarities.

But it’s a realm that’s innately dualistic. Your attempt at cutting out the polarity creates more of it. Theoretically, it can be argued that certain things shouldn’t be and they need to be undone. Who are you arguing with? Do you really think that someone will take in your yelling and change because they feel morally obliged? Or will your logic bring them to heel? If these people had that kind of conscience that was self-aware and self-regulating, they wouldn’t have done what they did, much less persist in it for so long as to create patterns and templates duplicating their corruption.

The truth is that we often must accept the injustices of the past in order to permanently break free from it. Emancipation of self. That’s the most important task in this lifetime. To emancipate the self from the limitations of illusions and ego. To self-actualize. That entails a lot of loss, sacrifice, grief. It entails finding the places within that are untouched by the external mayhem. Chaos gives us incentive to go looking for it. That’s the bigger picture, the bigger fight. The justice in all this is that the perpetrators of violence and oppression, those who refuse to be self-aware and take responsibility for what they do to others, they’ll forever be tied to the chaos they created. They can never find that timeless place within. They can never transcend the battlefields and sewers. They’re their own worst hell and punishment. Nothing you can do can come close to being depraved and deprived of the divine.

What the ego can’t be

What can become clear for all of us who are starved for time, is that the answer to the problem of time is not more time, not more efficiency, not even in itself longer biological life, not children, not artistic creations that we pretend will bring us immortality, not some sentimental relationship to imaginary gods or non-gods. The answer to the problem and the sorrow of time is one thing and one thing only: the experience of meaning. And this experience occurs only when the Self touches the self, when the soul touches the ego. When the two worlds meet.

When the self that is conditioned by society and has learned the language of society is touched by the Self that is beyond society and breathes and lives in wordless reality—that moment is the first step on the great ladder of meaning, the ladder of remembering that is shown to humankind through the wisdom teachings of the world.


What is needed is the contact between the self that speaks and the Self that is. What is necessary is to realize that it is possible for myself as I am, myself as ego — anxious, nervous, eager to help and to succeed and eager to do my duty to those I love, just that ego who is overwhelmed by life and is always looking for respect and appreciation and rest, that ego who takes his pleasures fitfully and guiltily, who sees time passing more and more rapidly and who feels that life is passing him by without anything ever really happening—just that ego can make contact with the Self. In such a contact, especially if it is repeated and becomes deeper and deeper, and lasts longer, and especially if we have the language and the ideas by which to interpret the experience correctly – such contact can show the ego that what it wants it cannot have by itself, from itself.

The contact between the ego and the Self can show the ego that it is possible to have love, safety, joy that does not fade, emotion that is based on truth; it is possible to have time, an immensity of time, it is possible to be free of fear and false satisfaction—but only through the Self. The Self is everything that the ego pretends to be, and the Self has the time that ego searches for in vain. When these two worlds meet, only then can the ego breathe freely and let go and accept that it is secondary and, yes, mortal. The ego sees that it does not have to live forever. It sees this because when I am exists, the ego has found what it wanted. It, I, have found what wisdom calls ‘the heart’s desire.’

– Jacob Needleman, Time and the Soul: Where Has All the Meaningful Time Gone–And Can We Get It Back?


Often before you can start to heal you go through a period of time where all your effort goes to ‘stopping the bleeding’ of your wound. You put all your life force into not being drained by this gaping hole in your psyche that trauma left. You have to keep things stable and still. You can’t afford the disintegration and uncertainty that healing entails. Not yet. And know that it’s important and that it’s like the paramedics trying to keep you alive until the doctors and nurses can tend to you. It’s not failure if it took you a long while to get to a point where you started opening up to your pain. Things couldn’t have gone any differently or faster without compromising your sanity and wellbeing. You have to grow into a place of healing because it can be brutal. It’s not about fixing pain or banishing darkness. You have to go deep into the darkness, deep into the pain to discover the hidden light lodged inside the experiences and your emotional body. It’s more of a rebirth through dying to everything you’re not. The healing is painful until the very last part where it’s not. Where you’re born anew.

So don’t beat yourself up about it. Most people never even get to a place where they want to acknowledge that they aren’t ok, or it’s simply too risky to open up to healing and the best they can do is shut down parts of themselves, living a diminished life. Most of our parents are like that. We aren’t meant to make them happy by living out their unfulfilled dreams, but to feel out their unhealed parts we inherited by being deprived of the love and light that is trapped in those sealed off parts of them. The parts that hurt us, that had us doubt ourselves. We do best by embodying what it means to heal and that there is a life beyond the disintegration, that the risks are well worth it.

If you’re in it, if you’re open to it, if you’re anxiously searching for it it’s because Allaah started you on this journey long before you were cognizant of what was happening. He’s the one who provided you with the ability to see through your fears, to know your deepest feelings even through the dense layers of doubt. So if you’re aware, it’s because what you’re aware of is ready to pop out. It’s done. You don’t need to do anything but stay present, just like you don’t need to do anything when you’re pregnant but just be pregnant. Allaah is breathing life and spirit into your life, and your heart is the womb of your soul.


In the Qur’aan, Allaah makes a distinction between the physical earth – الأرض- and the 3D matrix – الدنيا –

Dunya means, linguistically (د ن ى) something inferior and lowly.

That’s why someone who seeks status and nobility in this matrix is in reality ignoble and will be humiliated because there’s nothing worthwhile about having a throne of gold on top of a landfill. Whereas someone who sees through this and remains humble by virtue of recognizing a greater truth, they are ennobled and dignified because they could transcend their physical reality.

Much like our consumerist culture, the inferiority of this matrix relies on bedazzling and seducing people. The truth is plain because it’s intrinsically rich and essential. It’s only for landfills and voids that people are manipulated and hoodwinked into.

واصبر نفسك مع الذين يدعون ربهم بالغداة والعشي يريدون وجهه ولا تعد عيناك عنهم تريد زينة الحياة الدنيا ولا تطع من أغفلنا قلبه عن ذكرنا واتبع هواه وكان أمره فرطا

And keep yourself (O Muhammad sallAllaahu alayhi wasallam) patiently with those who call on their Lord morning and afternoon, seeking His Face, and let not your eyes overlook them, desiring the pomp and glitter of the life of the world; and obey not him whose heart We have made heedless of Our Remembrance, one who follows his own lusts and whose affair (deeds) has been lost.

(Al-Kahf 18:28)

Just by having attachments to the matrix, one’s sense of direction is scrambled and the space of transcendence (Remembrance of Allaah) is closed on them. This results in being fragmented, unfocused, and aimless.

In truth, the gist of this life is to find the exit before your physical body does. And that exit isn’t one of resignation or dissociation. No. It’s one of transmuting and raising the energy of the matrix by simply being tethered to an awakened and focused soul. That’s how you exit this matrix. Not by losing yourself in the actors of this drama; the demons, the matrix cabal, the corrupt. They are nothing but a plot and they can never hold you back from transcendence and planting a piece of your soul in this world. So don’t waste your focus and efforts in what won’t change and won’t help you. Just by coming into alignment with your soul, you’re going to simultaneously expose and overshadow whatever evil you see rampant in the world. The only leverage evil has is the absence of light and love.

Alchemical engineering

If you were to find clarity within, you wouldn’t need to convince others of what you intended or meant…

Comfort is the search of asylum from the inner battlefield between the true reality and a false perception. It’s an illusion and like all illusion, it’s a mental prison.

Clarity is the result of divine amnesty given to those who braved the tension of confusion in search of the truth.

The truth and love can’t be co-opted within the confines of comfort. It’s not something you can acquire, rather it’s something you transform into and a reality you gain admission to. The path there is crooked and rife with distortions and road blocks that exists within us all as a result of false perceptions, dishonesty, fear, hatred, unprocessed suffering, etc. You can’t bypass the blocks because the path lies within those blocks. By dissolving and integrating those patches of shadows, you unfold into dimensions of light that were inaccessible to you.

You don’t need anyone or anything else to find clarity just like the dawn doesn’t wait for the night to disappear to make its entrance. Its entrance is what disperses the night.

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