Seeing the shadows through the black light

On the train back to Sweden. If there’s one thing that I can take away from these past 3 enlightening and unfolding weeks is that although I can’t predict or prevent the adversities coming my way, I can always ask and seek a way through everything. And I’ve come to learn that what caused me the most suffering and a feeling of suffocation that made suicide seem like an easier decision is being stuck and not knowing which way is up or down. So the next best thing I could do is try to avoid any and everything that was remotely foggy or convoluted. I’d keep out of the unknown that housed the bulk of my potential and passion, because I didn’t have an existential contingency to fall back on.

It’s easy to say, just put your trust in Allaah when you have not been taken to the edge of rationale and the structure of everything you knew. A place where the mind can no longer rely on mental devices or intellectualizations of the divine. It’s a plunge into the darkness, the sleeping divine feminine, the black light, the place where inspiration is born and the false can’t hold up.

And it’s by repeatedly taking those quantum leaps into what my body detected as death, making it writhe in the most severe mental and physical agony that I didn’t think would ever end, that I came to know Allaah because He’d catch me where there was absolutely nothing before. He’d respond to me in the absolute silence. He’d protect me as violent winds of anxiety whipped my face.

I had to lose everything I’ve come to rely on or turn to so that I can truly know Allaah. So that I wouldn’t doubt the miracles or chalk it up to circumstantial oddities. I quite literally lost my mind over and over again and just as I was sure I was going to be sucked into some existential vortex that’d make me explode into smithereens, I found a silent strength that always was there but hidden by the projections of the ego into the abyss.

Finding God in the expanse

To be able to see reality for what it is, no matter how grim, gives me so much relief because I realized that it wasn’t what I was feeling or seeing that was causing me so much distress and pain, it was the resistance I had to experiencing it. That’s what I drove me into the ground. Of course the resistance ironically came to be because I feared being stuck if I acknowledged reality.

The void has ears

I can’t protect myself and I can’t advance myself. I can’t control my feelings or the feelings of others. This is the great existential threat that I have been tirelessly toiling against since my teens, trying to control and predict my world so that I could be safe. Of course, I didn’t want to cut straight to the chase and leave the whole simulation I was born into and conditioned to run on. I didn’t think I could survive that level of intense confrontation.

I didn’t know Allaah, intrinsically.

He’s protected me from annihilation even in the midst of extreme distress and trauma. He’s advanced my understanding by quantum leaps despite me not being in a state of mind where I could devote myself to studying.

And now I’ve come to the precipice of my existential battlefield and though I have no proof of what lies beyond, or if something lies beyond this for that matter, I have an intuitive feeling to go for what magnetizes me and not fear the doubts that crop up because my departure and my safe landing is but a creation of Allaah’s.

وَقَالَ ٱرْكَبُوا۟ فِيهَا بِسْمِ ٱللَّهِ مَجْر۪ىٰهَا وَمُرْسَىٰهَآ إِنَّ رَبِّى لَغَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ

And he [Nuh] said: “Embark therein, in the Name of Allah will be its moving course and its resting anchorage. Surely, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”


Don’t worry about madness

When having tawakul ¹, where I’m going is always better than where I am, even if the process in between can give off an impression of things worsening.

¹ heart-based reliance on Allaah (Islamic name for God)

The acorn is still the heart of the oak tree

There’s no situation that isn’t created and sustained by Allaah. If you don’t get what you’re anxiously seeking, it’s not because the bitter boss sabotaged you or the person you wanted to marry rejected you. It’s simply that Allaah willfully and benevolently didn’t place your rizq there. Your need won’t go unmet. It’ll simply be redirected to a higher and more abundant good. Allaah never deprives. He never distorts. He never reduces except by our heart reducing in turning away from Him and His abundance. He never creates disorder. He never obscures. He never makes things difficult or complex. Everything He creates is impeccable, good, balanced and expansive. It’s Love; something you’ll only be able to internalize once you let go of the faulty worldview based on a lack mentality and a dominance of evil.

مَّا يَفْعَلُ ٱللَّهُ بِعَذَابِكُمْ إِن شَكَرْتُمْ وَءَامَنتُمْ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ شَاكِرًا عَلِيمًا

What would Allah do with your punishment if you are grateful and believe? And ever is Allah Appreciative and Knowing.


11th hour

I don’t know what tomorrow will reveal to me about the world. I don’t know what new side will dawn in me in the morning. I don’t know what divine graces will make me remember existential safety and how that felt before I came here. I don’t know and I’ll rest in that liminal space. I surrender to Allaah and trust Him that He’ll come through where I don’t know, where I can’t do, where I’m not.

Soul dust

Hope is never predicated on probability or worth or possibility or ability. It’s not a measure of effort nor is it a reflection of what one deserves.

It’s the knowledge that divinity transcends all bounds of space and time. It’s the reality that whatever fear tries to restrict and doubt tries to make distant, all those things are ultimately about the absence of hope and permanence of darkness. And nothing and no one can put a limit to what Allaah has made infinite and eternal, which is His presence. No causality, no history, no expertise, no statistics, no theory, no law. Nothing.

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