A teflon state of mind

I’m constantly reminded of the fact that I don’t belong; on Reddit, when guests come over and I have to do my best impression of someone not in agony because of severe depression, inane YouTube comments, the conversational limitations set by people I know simply because they can’t avail themselves to the presence of mind or tolerating discomfort in entertaining nuances and lateral thinking.

It makes it easier for me to remain focused on the fact that my gig on this planet is just a gig. It was never meant to be complete. I find existential fulfillment in being and remaining aware of that because that gives me a frame of reference to put things into perspective. Aint-shit-stuff is normal, it’s fine, relax. People are ignorant and bigoted, it’s fine. No, really. The seeds of their own destruction or elevation lies in their character. No one goes unchecked, so I don’t need to monitor people. I just need to make sure that others don’t take me away from what I know. That’d be pretty dumb.

Informatrix : some of my thought processes

I start by taking in the whole at once and then digest it bit by bit. When I’m digesting it, I match each bit of information with the system that I have in my mind ( polarities, dualities, etc) to see if there’s a symbolic connection to a universal template so to speak. The bits I don’t have a reference for I put aside as I passively scan and study it over a longer period of time to learn new principles. The ones that are entangled or obscure I hold space for in between my thoughts (inner masculine) and intuition (inner feminine). Usually it’s because the information is blocked or hindered by a shadow or wound within me that is causing resistance to essentially letting in light, which information is.

I often find myself in territories that aren’t conventional and for which there hasn’t been any path paved, so I have to use hybrid principles of feelings and thoughts and past references to build a ladder. I use this ladder to see if I can find a hidden door into the external world, into an existing structure. Basically if I can tap into the potential of what already is.

A recent example is, I’ve been thinking a lot about the structuring of information in a substantial yet simple way, because I decided to share a lot of structural information on my IG. So I started toying with words that could act as vehicles or ladder to adding a dimension to what already exists.

And I thought information + infrastructure

I googled it, and boom. There is such a thing.

Cool. Then that leads me to discovering literature, websites, terminology and articles I would never have discovered.

So, you may ask, if the information already exists what’s the point in reinventing the wheel?

Because my aim isn’t to reinvent anything, but to invent new ways of tapping into those resources. The reason why I could never study in a formal setting is that the context is set up by higher-ups. There’s a hierarchy that even the information is subject to. The truth isn’t the overarching principle, it’s essentially control and profit. And that’s what’s wreaking havoc on the planet. People appropriating resources in ways that make life unnecessarily difficult.

My approach is to find the simplest and most direct route to a resource. Simple. I do this by eliminating what’s superfluous like overly convoluted jargon and non-essential information. I don’t need to know or memorize everything that anyone has ever said or written about a subject. I couldn’t care less about the long catalogue of experts and professors unless their information is vital to my objective. And my objective is : what’s the greater good for everyone? It’s not from a personal perspective where I want to be judged on all the information I have, but from the perspective of accessibility. My grandmother and my nephew should be able to understand most of these structures if they ever have an interest in it. Fuck money and power; making the structures of meaningful and purposeful knowledge accessible is where it’s at.

We have the internet and although we know EVERYTHING is in it, who has mapped that everything? How would I be able to know what I can look for? If only insiders and experts know how to get to specialized information, it’s a failure. A systematic failure because you’re adding unnecessary stress to the system by having to serve everyone from behind the counter instead of letting them shop and come up to the counter to pay.

The colour of the soul

Watching Eminem get so much hype at the mere sight of his name proves to me how conditioned we are to put more value to what comes from white culture. I don’t necessarily think it’s anyone’s fault, just that seeking validation in white culture inadvertently reinforces the inferiority that compelled you to seek validation in the most accessible representation of the world in the first place. That’s why I think framing a discussion about human potential and human oppression in a materialist, capitalistic setting is inherently self-sabotaging and futile. Also, identifying with the perception of those with access to more power is to victimize the self even more and rob oneself of the dignity of self-differentiation.

Many seek that self-differentiation in separation and creating isolated spaces but the groundwork of changing the course of identity and facilitating healing never takes place in the sensory world; what’s abstract and intuitive can only be grasped and connected to in the heart. Self-differentiation isn’t resistance or rebellion. It’s to purge the self from anything and everything that isn’t native to it. That means centering the experience in the feelings and not the perception; to find out how one feels about a thing allows one be self-defined and self-conforming instead of self-doubting and in search of an external trajectory to channel one’s focus to.

Self-differentiation is less about what one doesn’t like about the external world and more about what one desires and resonates with. In simpler terms, it’s the presence of the self by affirming all that one found lacking in the external world. It’s to give oneself what one never received from the parental or authority figures, by accepting that though one wasn’t affirmed fully by others, the very recognition of what is missing is the affirmation of the dimensions of the self. So it’s to orient in the world according to the space within the self, as if one was a spearheading, pioneering human. The truth is, we all are pioneering in that we were created to create our individual artefacts and contribute that to the world, as nature contributes its offerings of its fruits and cycles.


I spent all of my 20s disrupting, deconstructing, dismantling, deprogramming, discovering, detaching from the system I was born into. I pray and pray that Allaah allows my innate divine design momentum and passage to bloom and rise, now that the blocks and shadows are out of the way. I hope I won’t be my own detractor. I hope I will live to see Allaah’s intention in creating me.

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