Don’t defend yourself in a kangaroo court

If someone chooses to believe a false and unfair rumour and narrative about you despite them knowing you well enough to be able to discern the accuracy of that rumour, then it’s not because the rumour was particularly convincing. It’s because the rumour triggered their ego in such a way that they found it served a purpose to feed into it. Perhaps it was to deflect a latent inferiority they felt in relation to you and by believing the rumour they could feel justified in looking down on you, or it tapped into some self-conscious fear that justified withdrawing and hiding behind that rumour to avoid guilt.

Whatever it is, know that what someone chooses to believe isn’t random or arbitrary so don’t lose yourself in trying to explain yourself to someone who has already made their mind up and left no space for your truth.

Let’s play

People people leave me be
Don’t try to quell your guilt by putting my hopes up
That you’d be here for me
I’m so naive to take things so literal

People people leave me be
Turn off the lights and close the door on your way out
Close it properly
Don’t leave it ajar
I don’t want the light from the hallway to seep through
I don’t want halfhearted attempts at hope
Like you did my heart with your facile words

Leave me to my darkness
The one thing I know like
The back of my hand
Like the back of all those who walked away
When I never even invited them in to begin with

Destruction

cigarettehiroshima

You’re a self-centred arrogant hypocritical thinker. You look at people in terms of what use they are to you. You constantly look down on people you don’t understand. You are always judging and labelling people. You oscillate between worshipping and loathing.
You like people based on how they interest you. You have a corrupt moral compass. You apply your judgment on others to the exclusion of yourself.

You’ll miss out on what’s truly good in this life because you carry around a rotten piece in your heart that you refuse to part with. You only see in this world what’s in your heart and you have gruesome goggles on. If only you spent an iota of the time you pursue others to like you to actually discover yourself, you’d be a force to be reckoned with. But now you’re a meteorite floating through space, crushing what comes in its path, admirable to the distant onlookers. And once you get to another’s personal space, you either burn up or end up destroying the other person.

I’m done with trying to stand in your pathway and resist your crushing words and firey treatment. I’m done looking for the good in someone who only sees bad in you. I’m done hoping for someone’s potential and who they could be if given enough love and care, when the person in question doesn’t give a shit about themselves. I’m done being an option to someone I view as priority. I’m done making excuses for douchebaggery and shittiness.

We’re done.

A reunion of a different kind

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I reached for my phone with closed eyes,tears burning, and heavy sighs, as if a big balloon sat perched on my diaphragm. The irony; how emotions could turn water into fire, and could air make one suffocate.
I felt hurt and betrayed. I’m not a stranger to feelings of hurt and betrayals – but there was a  sense of acute pervasiveness about this betrayal, and it seared into my heart until I felt physical pain.

I was nonchalantly perusing through a book I’ve been reading in medias res since last year – Man’s search for himself, by Rollo May, when the feeling ambushed me. This was the reason I hadn’t been able to sit through reading a book cover to cover for years; my thoughts had a way of creeping up on me when I least expected it.

I closed the book to attend to my feelings, probing. I wondered…could it be…? My probing summoned a thought that seemed to know whence these feelings came. Indeed, I hit a nerve, because at once my heart started raining tears, and stirring up strong gusts of wind that I had to breathe deeply to relieve myself of.

I was betrayed by someone very close, and for so long. I felt hurt,anger,fear- all at once. I didn’t know how I kept such a deep secret from myself for so long. Or perhaps it’s because of its grave nature that I repressed it for as long as I had.

A lot of things made sense, and I wondered how I could have been blindsided in such a way and if there was any redemption in this at all?

The person in question might come as an odd surprise, but I think it makes perfect sense. Me.

The deep-seated betrayal I uncovered was one I felt towards some parts of me. I realized that I was intensely afraid of myself, of being alone with my thoughts. The thoughts that had been a source of much anguish and torture for over a decade. I hated being left to my own being because that’s when the gremlins would come out of the woodwork. I’d keep myself intensely occupied at all times; perfectionism,codependency,comfort eating. I felt betrayed because I was the one who sabotaged my own dreams, I was the one who let others walk all over me, I was the one who failed myself in so many different ways. I was the first to tear down my dreams, and the last to acknowledge my successes and hard work. I felt alienated in my own skin and I was forever roaming the earth like a hapless ghost looking for a tether to hold on to. I wasn’t welcome within my being. I was an outcast.

For this I was angry and hurt but immensely relieved. My discovering this meant that I was finally ready to forgive myself, to reconcile with the parts of me that had broken away in fear. It meant that peace was in the middle of the battlefield, and I’m getting ready,  my only armour being courage.

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