A losing game

My deeply held illusions and sense of entitlement to a perfect life has done more to hurt and damage me than anything anyone has or could have ever done. I’ve spent so long resenting the fact that life isn’t how I envisioned it and resisting the truth of my life, that I’m starting to see that I never gave two shits about myself, ever. I didn’t care at what cost I fulfilled those goals or ideals. I didn’t care about how it made me feel or how it fit into my purpose in life. Heck, my purpose in life, as far as I could see, was to outdo anyone in anything I’m doing. I don’t care at what cost, my name better be at the top of the list.

And the rug was pulled from underneath me so fast that I didn’t have time to think existential crisis before I found myself in that void where my true self was abandoned and relegated to. I saw how everything I had thought was the 💣 dot com was a thin veneer of nothing. All it took was one thing to be misplaced for everything to tumble down. What I saw as success was really a game of jenga. It was exhilarating in the moment but no way was it sustainable. In fact, it required more of me than it would give me.

But, I’d rather suffer my mistakes here than, you know…

Rediscovering Ramadaan#16

There are some people who attain conventional success, materialistic success and all sources of suffering seem to vanish. And so they start deluding themselves into thinking that they are self-made, that it was by hard work and determination that took them out of their slump.

The last iota of empathy shrivels up in their hardened heart where they harbour arrogance of cosmic proportions and they see everyone as below them.

Ask yourself. Where did the inspiration to embark on that path come from? Where did that willpower come from? Where did those opportunities come from? Where did those chance meetings come from?

If success is attained by hard work alone, the slaves would be the slave masters.
If we possess such absolute powers, then we would be divine gods.

If materialism is the meaning with life, then stuff dollar bills in your inner void and make that funereal pain stop . If materialism is the metric for success then work hard to live forever. Bid the rain to fall on hot days and the earth to move closer to the sun on cold winter morns’.

Suffering comes from a heart that is alive and a mind that is alert and hope that struggles to wrench the truth from the hands of evil.
Suffering is the only way to grow and become enlightened.

You feed your body and starve your mind. You line your pockets and your heart is empty. You think you’re alive but you’re dead and you’re just waiting to be buried.

( originally wrote 28/7/15)

Rediscovering Ramadaan#4


It’s never as strong as it is in Ramadaan. This need to shoot down the traits or actions in one is denying within oneself, in others. Projecting on others. Subconsciously looking down on the ‘heathens’ the ‘ramadaan tourists’. Grilling people with questions that are often communicated unspoken through glares and vague comments.

Why aren’t you reading more Qur’aan?
Why aren’t you going to taraweeh?
Why did you only pray 6 raka’aat?
Why are you watching TV?
Why are you taking pictures of your iftar when there are starving and poor people??

Sharp tones, clenched jaws, squinting eyes. You would believe that the wrong reply would have this person fly into a fight.

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Blanket forts & brain farts



“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”
— Theodore Isaac Rubin

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