Is there any use anymore?

I don’t know if I’ll get better… It was easier when I could anchor myself down in familiarity and comfort but coming to Denmark on a whim with a grandma who needs a lot of care, and coke that tastes absolutely disgusting here (tried buying it in 3 different shops. Tastes super bland and watery yuck. And doesn’t come in 2 liters which is the one I’m used to), has been an epic pull-of-existential-rug beneath my feet experience that has trigggggered my depersonalization and derealization. I’ve built my life around not having to confront any situation that triggers those conditions because it’s the hardest, most horrifying mental torture I know. It feels like being in a dream like state where everything is vague and I can’t put my finger on what’s wrong and it feels like I don’t belong anywhere. Although it was exacerbated by the CPTSD, I do remember instances from when I was super young like 4 or 5 where I started experiencing derealization. I’d start asking myself who I was and where I came from and I’d feel super weird, like I could just float out of my body at any moment.

I’ve never been able to sit with it long enough to tie it together in this way. It feels like the Bermuda triangle. Feels like the longer I remain aware of it the more I’ll fade away.

2 responses to Is there any use anymore?

  1. Watery Coke?! Nooooo! I would be triggered by that, too. Sooo…Pepsi? So easy to gloss over the excruciating, but each tiny element of the excruciating is like a bursting up of all that we aren’t. The opportunity here is enormous, but also, holy crap! It’s a lot. I recognize and feel that. 💚

    Liked by 1 person

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